“Therapy” Thursdays…Ex Wife from H377!
Hi Dr. Dee,
I am a 29-year-old mother of two who has been in an on-again, off- again marriage for 10 years. Six months ago, I walked away from the marriage for good. After sitting on Facebook going back and forth with his latest girlfriend (and finding out that I was “other woman”, this trick claims to not know he was married), I decided that I had had enough. I have been doing really good with staying away from him, not getting our families involved and maintaining a civil relationship with him for the sake of our kids. But now he has moved in with “her”. By her I am referring to this new girlfriend. Now that she is in the picture I have turned into the “ex-wife from hell”. I have been calling him like crazy and giving him a hard time when he comes over to pick up the boys. I think I’m a little jealous and right now there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I want him, I know this man and I know it will not last. I thought the hard part was going to be leaving him alone for good. But, seeing him with someone else made realize that I do still care for him. I have moved on but I am having the hardest time accepting that he has too. How can I get my heart to line up with my head when it comes to the father of my children?
Thanks so much for writing into “Therapy Thursdays”. I really appreciate it and I am so glad that you reached out for a little advice.
First and foremost you can never be the “other woman”; you maybe the estranged wife or the ex-wife, but always WIFE nonetheless. Also, never accept the title of “baby mama” from your ex either, it belittles the marriage and will eventually eat away at your self-esteem.
The fact that you stepped outside of your circle for help is commendable. So many of us seek the advice of family and friends who are generally too close to the situation to provide an unbiased opinion. Don’t get me wrong sitting down and talking to someone close to you about your situation can always relieve undue stress, but you must be careful with sharing too much. This may lead to animosity towards the father of your children and bickering among him and your family. Besides, whatever you decide to do should be based on events and experiences that you have shared with this man. Based on the facts, you have decided that staying away from this man (unless it relates to your children) is best for you. Now, you must remain firm in your decision. A new girlfriend should not affect your decision at all; in fact she is a “non-mutha F#%ing factor”, nothing she does or says should affect you. You have already been there and you know that this situation may not last forever. And even if it does, he is no longer your problem to worry about or deal with.
The best way to line your heart up your head in this situation is to give it time. You can’t fill your heart up with someone for ten years and expect to empty it out in six months. In the meantime, focus on you and your boys. You have to figure who you are without him and a marriage. This will take some serious soul-searching and time to yourself. So please don’t run out and get a new man trying to “one-up” your ex, adding a new man to the equation will only make things worse. Besides, you don’t want to carry ten years worth of baggage into a new relationship, its not fair to him or you. When the time is right, you want to be able to enter into a new relationship with a clear heart and a clear head. Also, you don’t want to bring someone new around the boys. This is a confusing time in their lives and not the time to be introducing them to someone new. Take the time out to help them get through this transitional period by seeking individual and family counseling. You are already on the right track, now you just have to stay on it.
Rooting for you,