“Therapy” Thursdays…Ex Wife from H377!

Hi Dr. Dee,

I am a 29-year-old mother of two who has been in an on-again, off- again marriage for 10 years. Six months ago, I walked away from the marriage for good. After sitting on Facebook going back and forth with his latest girlfriend (and finding out that I was “other woman”, this trick claims to not know he was married), I decided that I had had enough. I have been doing really good with staying away from him, not getting our families involved and maintaining a civil relationship with him for the sake of our kids. But now he has moved in with “her”. By her I am referring to this new girlfriend.  Now that she is in the picture I have turned into the “ex-wife from hell”. I have been calling him like crazy and giving him a hard time when he comes over to pick up the boys. I think I’m a little jealous and right now there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I want him, I know this man and I know it will not last. I thought the hard part was going to be leaving him alone for good. But, seeing him with someone else made realize that I do still care for him. I have moved on but I am having the hardest time accepting that he has too. How can I get my heart to line up with my head when it comes to the father of my children?  

Thanks,

The Ex

Hi Ex,

Thanks so much for writing into “Therapy Thursdays”.  I really appreciate it and I am so glad that you reached out for a little advice.

First and foremost you can never be the “other woman”; you maybe the estranged wife or the ex-wife, but always WIFE nonetheless. Also, never accept the title of “baby mama” from your ex either, it belittles the marriage and will eventually eat away at your self-esteem.

The fact that you stepped outside of your circle for help is commendable. So many of us seek the advice of family and friends who are generally too close to the situation to provide an unbiased opinion.  Don’t get me wrong sitting down and talking to someone close to you about your situation can always relieve undue stress, but you must be careful with sharing too much.  This may lead to animosity towards the father of your children and bickering among him and your family. Besides, whatever you decide to do should be based on events and experiences that you have shared with this man.  Based on the facts, you have decided that staying away from this man (unless it relates to your children) is best for you. Now, you must remain firm in your decision.  A new girlfriend should not affect your decision at all; in fact she is a “non-mutha F#%ing factor”, nothing she does or says should affect you.  You have already been there and you know that this situation may not last forever.  And even if it does, he is no longer your problem to worry about or deal with.

The best way to line your heart up your head in this situation is to give it time. You can’t fill your heart up with someone for ten years and expect to empty it out in six months. In the meantime, focus on you and your boys. You have to figure who you are without him and a marriage. This will take some serious soul-searching and time to yourself. So please don’t run out and get a new man trying to “one-up” your ex, adding a new man to the equation will only make things worse. Besides, you don’t want to carry ten years worth of baggage into a new relationship, its not fair to him or you.  When the time is right, you want to be able to enter into a new relationship with a clear heart and a clear head. Also, you don’t want to bring someone new around the boys. This is a confusing time in their lives and not the time to be introducing them to someone new. Take the time out to help them get through this transitional period by seeking individual and family counseling. You are already on the right track, now you just have to stay on it.

Rooting for you,

Dr. Dee

Advertisements
This entry was posted by dtrainexpress.

4 thoughts on ““Therapy” Thursdays…Ex Wife from H377!

  1. WOW… this sounds similar to what I went thru. I was eight years in a bad relationship.. bad meaning not healthy for me, there was no physical abuse of any sort.. But what I learned is being mistreated, cheated on, lied to over and over again…is mental abuse cause it will beat you up mentally.. It took time!!!!

    “The Ex” it was hard for me to leave also… BUT when I finally made up my mind that I deserved better there was no turning back, and everything he put you thru he will do to the next more than likely. I am involved with a man now that is wonderful.. he is everything that I deserve… x10! We have to know when to let go… cause we are blocking a blessing… What I learned from that past relationship is that was my past, he is a my daughters father and that is IT!

    Good Luck…

    • Wow, its amazing how we all share some of the same experiences, good follow up advice MyLove! To the “Ex” I wish all the best for you, Dr. Dee raises good points and I believe time heals a lot of wounds. At least you’re acknowledging that you’re purposely creating problems and jealousy plays a factor — now it’s time to put your emotions in check and move forward with what’s best for you and your boys. I think in the end you will find that this is the best decision!
      -Lea

  2. @ MyLove07

    What folks need to keep in mind is that the longer you stay in a bad realationship, the longer you will have to wait for the man that God has for you. No one one ever said that walking away would be easy, but what was said is that it would be worth it in the end. You are a great example of how walking away wasn’t the end of your life. But actually the beginning of something new and beautiful.Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. I hope H377 reads it and gains hope from it.

    @Lea,

    It is so important that we create positive spaces where we can talk about life,love and of course fashion. And it looks you have done just that. Thanks for allowing me to occupy space on your blog for now to inspire and motivate others.

  3. @Dtrainexpress Thank you!

    ” The longer you stay in a bad realationship, the longer you will have to wait for the man that God has for you”

    You above comment is the TRUTH…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: