“Therapy” Thursdays…Far and Few

Hello Dr Dee,

I met this guy in February.. I really enjoy his company!

However his company is far and few in-between (I see him maybe once or twice a month). He is currently in school getting his barbering license and also in the process of opening a barber shop with his brother, he also has a 5 year old daughter (and he is very hands on with her… which I love).

We live about 30-35 mins from each other…When we are in each other’s presence I am the happiest women in the world, he is full of compliments, good conversation and extremely attentive.   When we are apart I miss him terribly… and that creates arguments. Reason being is I think he could put forth a little more effort in us seeing one another… and his argument is he is doing his best to juggle everything on his plate…

He has made it very clear that his schedule will continue to be this way until Feb 2012 and has asked me to be patient.  My issue is I spent 6 years in a relationship that ended on a sour note… And I vowed that I would not dedicate that much time to another relationship if I felt it was not productive.  I don’t wanna add the pressure to our friendship but at the same time I am ready for a monogamous relationship

Do you think I am being impatient? Should I not expect more time? Am I being unrealistic?

Help,

Far and Few in-between

Hi FFB,

First of all, thanks for writing in to Therapy Thursdays. You are greatly appreciated.

When I first read this I immediately thought: he’s married.  And did he give her that 2012 date because that’s when his divorce proceedings will be finalized? But, I want don’t want to be cynical about this situation, because that may not be the case. Men are not emotional creatures; they prefer to keep their real feelings locked away in a vault for fear of appearing vulnerable or weak. At times it can be difficult to decipher a man’s true feelings and typically this leaves women wondering if they are really into you. But, if they are, you’ll know it. Here are a few things I want you to consider.

a.)    Does he fit you into his schedule? If a man is really into you, he will make time for you.   Men typically will not go out of their way for just anyone.  Their time is precious and their options are plentiful. If he’s into you, he’ll take the time out to show you that you.  You will be a choice he choose to make and not just a constellation prize.

b.)    Is it just a booty-call? Are you guys just hooking up once or twice a month physically? Or is he genuinely dating you? Sex is a natural way to express deep affection you may have for someone. But, if every time you hook-up there’s a bedroom involved and not much else you may want to avoid making any long-term plans with this man.

c.)     Does he let you in? During the time spent with him, are you guys sharing intimate details with one another about life and the future? February til now is a nice amount of time to have spent with someone.  What do you know about this man so far? Does he discuss long term plans with you?  If so, are you included in them?

Do I think you are being impatient? Should you expect more time? Are you being unrealistic? Only you can answer these questions. But, what I will say is you have to be more realistic in your expectations.  If that man is truly busy, then he is truly busy. It does sound like he has a lot going on and that’s a good thing.  The excuse that you guys live 30 minutes away from each other is just that, an excuse. If that man wants to spend time with you he will. But giving him ultimatums or placing demands on his time will only push him away.  The time spent with one another should be enjoyable not a chore. And while you are waiting to spend some time with him, why don’t you spend some time with yourself.   Start by focusing on ways to better yourself, so that if he does get it together you will be ready for him. Try hitting the gym or picking up a hobby you have always wanted to try. And who knows once you take the focus off him maybe you’ll realize that this situation is not for you and walk away from it.  Or you’ll get so busy with “you” that you will not be available to spend time with him anyway.  Either way checking in with your star player “you” should always be your first priority, everything is secondary.

Rooting for you,

Dr. Dee

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8 thoughts on ““Therapy” Thursdays…Far and Few

  1. Wow thats a tough one and your response was very thought out Dr. Dee, but chances are your first response was the truest

    …sounds like he is either married or in a relationship! Unfortunately many of us women have had similar situations. I love that you open this blog/forum for female discussion.. as many times we feel we alone in a situation.

    Good luck to miss “far and few between”..you deserve the best!!

  2. Yea this is a tough one…Kudos to Dr. Dee! After reading, married was also my immediate thought. To Ms. Far&Few, you mentioned you vowed to not dedicate time to an unproductive relationship — I would stick to that! Now decide how progressive this relationship has been for you and go from there.

    I personally don’t think you’re unrealistic in wanting to spend time with a man that makes you happy, however you shouldn’t have to argue or demand anyone’s company, it should be natural for both of you.

    14 months is a pretty lengthy time to wait for someone to clear their schedule and what’s the guarantee that he’ll be ready then. If you think he’s worth the wait — go for it!! Otherwise, I’d keep my options open!

  3. Wow… def sounds familar!

    Dr. Dee Provided good feed back. I would stay with your first mind and not invest to much time your Gut dont lie

    Good Luck

  4. Thank you Dr. Dee you brought some valid points up

    I’ve been to his place spent some nights… So if he is married they dont live together LOL. And I dont feel like it’s just a booty call, usually when we are together we go to movies, dinner, concerts etc etc. we have dept! However I am not oblivious to the fact that he could have a girlfriend ( totally different from being married it’s possible that they dont live together) And trust i’ve asked plenty of times if that’s it and he declines

    So it’s not solely about sex! For example he is having a big B-day party in Vegas and he invited me to come with him… (all his friends and family will be their) So not sure, however thanks for the input

    Lea I also believe that is a long time, So I will make a decision and live with it!

    Thanks Ladies

  5. FFB – those are both good signs, and there is some validity to the fact that he has invited you to an event where his family and friends will be ..so we could be totally wrong about the “marriage” part but I think something just does not sit right …and of course your own instinct is the best advice.

    If you like this guy, then enjoy! If when you do spend time, you enjoy his company, hes nice, respectful, etc then enjoy it for what its worth! There is some reason hes not fully available now…but I promise you, there is a man that IS!! 🙂

  6. Hey Dr. Dee & FFB,

    I think everyone has giving great advice so far. I will say from my experience (the good, the bad and the ugly) that regardless of how busy a man is he will always make room for what he really wants. I also think it’s peculiar that he has such a precise date for when things will become easier.

    Nevertheless, I believe you’re an incredibly aware woman (which is why you even asked the question). So I feel like you’ll make the choice that’s best for YOU. You’re amazing and you deserve the best and all the attention in the world simply because you exist. And you shouldn’t have to apologize or wait for that.

    xo

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